dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
