apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
