yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize