Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
