I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
