i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
porn star boner night. come get it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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