I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
