i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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