I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
