why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
