Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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