My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize