the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
