i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
