Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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