today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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