I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
