phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
