Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
