If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
