Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is Oprah even human
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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