Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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