oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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