somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I met the friendliest cop last night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
