she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
