The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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