having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't turn off my feet"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
