If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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