got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
