before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
