We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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