Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
