I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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