Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
