Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
