How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize