when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
