First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
