He kissed a someone with a penis
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
