Don't make out with my wife yet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
