I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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