you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
