Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
