You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
