Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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