I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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