i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
