Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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