Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
pray to the hookup gods
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize