Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
