your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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