I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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