You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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