You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
