Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Such a big mess for such a small penis
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
