i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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