First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
