That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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