I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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