I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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