she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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