i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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