I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
