She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
